|
Hopelessly All Right
by Tonya Judy
Two sick crows spit and hiss out their last breaths as I squeeze
them into the next life. I have been sitting outside for nearly 4 hours now just waiting for them to chance me. Take me on.
They finally gave up the pretense and approached for their medicine. Now, I have attended to them and may continue on my way.
Stupid crows.
10/01/99
Tonya pretends to be so serious. I wonder if she really understands where she
is. I have to get her to go deeper. Maybe she can explain everything in a code that I just haven't cracked yet. I will keep
trying. She needs me.
I left home when I was about 5 years old. I don't think that I was missed. I tried for years
to fit the trailer mold. I wanted what they wanted and ate cake with big, fat candles on it. I combed the baby-sitter's hair
and ate off paper plates. By the time I was five though, I was mostly gone.
10/03/99
Tonya explains
her understanding of her "off times" in her own words. I learn eventually that she started to astrally project by
the time she was 3. Her father had been an astral projector as well. Science has started to pick up on these things as the
whole Genius/Insane debate has gotten stronger due to the fact that Tonya is not alone. Many many people are starting to go
through these changes and at ever-earlier ages. She explains a need to get along and lets me know that by five, she had pretty
much given it up.
They brought me in for the tests again. Sitting for hours on end while they jammed needle after
needle into my arms, my back and my neck. We just have to check, Tonya. They were always checking after that. That was just
the start of it. There was the family doctor that spent too much time down my pants. I never told them about that. There was
the dentist that took my abscessed tooth out one half at a time with no anaesthesia because we were too poor. As I screamed.
I had forgotten how to leave. I hated my friends then. They told me to swish soda around to make the pain go away. Sweet and
bubbly intensity. Nothing hurts more than putting salt in a wound. Now, I live for the salt. I don't care what you write.
You will never understand it anyway.
10/13/99
She starts out with such pain and always winds down to defenses.
I can almost see the person inside just dying to get out. Oh Tonya. I will help you. I may be new to this place but I know
that I can make a difference.
I turned 18 and went right off to college. Mom said over and over that she was not
my mom anymore. There is no mom she was saying. Your father and I are free now. Feel free yourself to visit. But, this is
OUR house now and I am not your mother. Dad wasn't there for the speech. I don't know why I noticed. I remembered a different
mom. I remembered the mom that brought us all down to the living room once to tell me that it was ok if I was a lesbian because
my father and she would support me. It's ok. I remember my older brother laughing as he had just recently been accused of
having an uzi in his back seat. The back seat of his RT. Amongst used chapstick and condoms and dust and comics...there was
supposed to be an uzi. He went upstairs into the kitchen and then out the front door. Little brother just sat there. Dad wouldn't
look at me. I just left too and didn't talk for days. I am not a lesbian. Wouldn't it have been fun to ask or discuss it?
I sort of drifted through a lot of years before and after these times. I wouldn't say that I was out-of-body but I was definitely
not altogether present.
10/22/99
Tonya grew up for a spell in the foot well of a Riviera. She moved along
to a trailer and stayed in the trailer in various spots until she was 8 years old. The family moved to a house near the Snake
River. Over the years, the local power company built more and more power towers. I wonder if that has anything to do with
the troubles for this young woman. I will get soil samples of the various places she claims to have lived. I am so lost with
this woman. I feel myself sitting closer and closer to her. It's dangerous and she knows it too. How can I explain how I feel?
She has to let me know what happened.
Just before I went to school I tried to prove my womanhood to her. She was
saying that I wasn't enough of a woman. She was putting me down in front of my whole family...I don't go on dates. I don't
flirt. I don't dress pretty. I think she had a problem with the fact that I had friends. All gals that hung out with me and
watched vampire movies until odd hours. What she must have thought became clear and almost killed me eventually. But that's
to come. I worked at a shoe store and saw a guy one day that I thought would do the trick. If I could just get this guy to
go out with me a few times and meet my mom. She will leave me alone. She won't keep hurting me. I pursued him at the college.
He was in a talent show. I made friendly with him and eventually, we dated. My mother was so happy. My dad didn't seem to
notice. But, he noticed enough later.This guy used to get me drunk and then have sex with my best friend. He slept with so
many women. Welcome to the world of men. I was desperate to hang onto the illusion until I graduated. I hung on to him. He
raped me and belittled me in front of his Saudi Arabian friend and other Jordanian friend. He was Jordanian. I hung on. My
mother was so happy. My dad didn't seem to notice. I went to a prom with him and he fucked my best friend again that night.
We went to her house once and I pretended to pass out on her parents' bed. I waited until my guy left me and then waited a
bit more. I went down the hallway to her room and through the crack, I saw them. I broke up with him a lot but he always convinced
me to get back with him. Turns out (later) that he was making bets on it. I am so stupid. But, I am a woman. I went to college
and he decided it wasn't over. He went there too. I was pregnant. Met him at the Boise airport and told him. My mom knew.
He was my first. He asked me that wonderful question...Is it mine? Are you sure. I could have rearranged him right there.
But, I guess that was to come too.
10/25/99
Tonya gets edgy around me and shifts and fidgets a lot. This
boyfriend is obviously a big deal to her. Must have screwed her up pretty bad. She's no typical 'damaged good' though. If
only I can get her to open up more. What can I say to connect to her? Where should I take her? I have already gotten approval
to get her some fresh air. What I wouldn't do to have some time alone with her. Maybe she can sense this. Maybe she is playing
with me? I had better watch her. Where would she like to go?
This is a nice place. Reminds me of the times I ran
naked in Oregon. It was December for my birthday. I didn't know my friend was in love me...the agony I must have caused. She
was always so jealous of my other friends. I should have guessed. We stayed at a cabin right on the beach and I stripped once
we got there, grabbed a sheet off the hotel bed and wrapped up in it like a goddess. It was so windy. We took pictures and
I sent them to myself. She wrote in my journal while I took a bath with the door open. Talking and giggling over poor-town
pizza. How was I supposed to know. She steam-rollered me by playing possum on the bed. "No, I don't know what a steam-roller
is." show me. I did. She rolled over me and I thought for the first time that it was awkward. Thanks for getting me some
air. Why are we here?
11/01/99 I feel like she is toying with me. This story about innocent ignorance of love
burns me. I want to shake her. I wish she would just kiss me and instead she continues to babble on. If I could just write
something decent and set her free somehow.
We could be so happy.
Short Stories
|
